Friday, November 9, 2012

Freaky Friday: Human Centipede

To the two female leads, the 80s called. They want their hoop earrings and teased hair back. The over-dramatic eyeshadow can go too. Speaking of over-dramatic, let me give you the number to Over Actors Anonymous: 1-800-anti-Bella. Please call.
I'm taking a shot in the dark here and guessing Human Centipede was going for the comedic horror least in the beginning. Not so much the Scary Movie flicks--number 5 is coming out next year--and definitely not the genius of Whedon's The Cabin in the Woods (Joss if you read this, call me) but something like it. Picture a funky Frankenstein meets pervy frat boy with a chunk of German cliches thrown in (Danke, Eurotrip).
Oh and about twenty minutes in, we find out the girls are from New York! Of course, they are. Although, I honestly would have pegged them for Jersey girls. But then again Jersey has suffered enough Snookis for a lifetime. Either way, apparently the German stereotypes weren't enough, we had to go with the dumb city girl gimmick too. At least they "thought" about getting away before the creepy looking, crazy doctor drugs them.
And the world wept.
The bright note, the actor, Dieter Laser--kudos on best name ever--playing Dr. Heiter,  is brilliant. Uncompromising in his need to "experiment" without any remorse or moral center, he brings to life everything terrifying about a horror villain. It is bad enough what he wants to do to our poor heroines, but before the "operation" he explains the "procedure" to them detail. Brutal. And gross. Really gross. Google it, if you really want to know. I'll wait. Done vomiting? Great. Let's continue...
At some point, I asked J. Hubs how much more of this atrocity we had to endure, convinced it had to be close to the end, but alas, we were only half way into it. Heaven help me. The pacing is so slow, so painfully slow. Even the creepy Dr. Heiter couldn't keep me entertained. Sorry Doc.
And it doesn't get any better. On the plus side, the male victim in the film is Japanese, so I got to listen to and learn all new Japanese swear words. That's something. I guess. Personally, I have a list of anime I'd rather watch instead. Bottom line, don't bother.

Rating: F

PS I hear there is a sequel out and a third one coming next year. I take it to mean the Apocalypse is at hand.


  1. Ok, don't know why I actually had to go and Google it and read about it but I don't know if I can eat at all today. So disgusting!

    1. LOL. I know! But who can resist Google? :D

    2. Yeah, well, you know that me of all people should not be Googling this stuff lol

  2. I have no interest in this movie, and this review only reaffirms my desire to not watch it. Thanks for doing the dirty work!

  3. I may just be a perv, but the cover looks more like a porn than a horror. All that's missing are the outline breasts pressed against the glass.
    BTW, the 80's are back with a vengeance amongst the teenagers who consider it retro (I'm so old).